Examples of Couples who face the sexual problems
Megan is 41 and has never had an orgasm. When Megan and John were first married, she enjoyed their sexual encounters, but now sex has become less important to her. She has never told John that she doesn’t have orgasms, and he’d be surprised to know.
Lisa and Peter rarely find time for sex. But when they go off for a weekend or when the children are away, the couple always enjoys intercourse. Then they wonder why sex isn’t a regular part of their lives.
Betty and Richard have been married for seven years. During that time their careers have skyrocketed. They travel and are active socially. Compared with the rest of their life, their sex life has become dull. In fact, if someone told Betty she could never have sex again, she says it wouldn’t bother her at all.
Stewart and Caroline are in their late 50s. Steward had a serious illness ten years ago and, as a result, is rarely able to have an erection. Although they are tender and loving, they never have intercourse.
Sexual Problems and Solutions
If you have one of these problems, it may reassure you to know that many happily, married couples share your experience. And despite today’s focus on sexual problems, good and frequent sex may not be all that important to a happy marriage.
We discovered this when we studied a group of 100 happily married couples ranging in age from their early 20s to their early 60s. As marital and sex therapists, we thought that studying those with happy marriages might teach us something about helping couples who come to us for treatment. Therefore, we asked for volunteers who felt that their marriages were “working” and who had never sought professional help for their marital or sexual problems.In examining the responses to our questionnaires, we discovered that over 90% of the couples had a less-than-perfect sexual relationship. Yet more than 80% rated their marriage as “very happy” or “happy.” Almost all of these individuals denied this lack of sexual bliss was a problem for them, and none expressed a need for change. Apparently, a sexual problem is not synonymous with a marital one.
What sexual problems do “normal” People have?
Among the couples were women, who never experienced orgasm, and men who could not get an erection, as well as men and women who found insufficient tenderness in their union. Performance problems were common. The two most frequent were premature ejaculation (more than one-third of the men) and difficulty reaching orgasm (nearly half of the women).
Yet despite the high frequency of these problems, most people told us that their partner’s performance was not as important as the feelings they bring or fail to bring to their sexual relationship. For example, even though Richard almost always ejaculates before Betty has become aroused, Betty is more interested in closeness than in orgasm. Only when Richard fails to hold her does she feel “empty, rejected and use.”
The failure to “connect” psychologically is only one kind of sexual difficulty that can arise in an otherwise good marriage. Most couples find that their sexual encounters are influenced not only by how they feel about one another at the moment but also by job pressures, financial worries, disruptive children and, above all, fatigue. Moving from a busy life into relaxed moments of intimacy often becomes extremely difficult, even for loving couples. For example, 47% of the wives reported that “inability to relax” was a significant problem in their sex lived. While life-long inhibitions, fears and guilt may contribute to tension, it’s also hard to adjust to instant intimacy when the bedroom door closes.
Whatever the causes of sexual difficulties, wives appear to be much more vulnerable to them than their husbands. Approximately a third of the women in our study were uninterested in sex, felt that their partner chose inconvenient times or reported that sex turned them off.
Men tended to cite problems that implied a continuing interest in sex. For instance, the two problems most frequently reported by men were a lack of foreplay (21%) and attraction to person outside the marriage (again 21%). While 38% of the women also reported that too little foreplay troubled them, the other most frequent complaint of the women indicates diminished interest in sex rather than a desire for better sex.
But negative feelings about sex don’t seem to diminish a woman’s feelings about her spouse or her marriage. And although the men reported that their feelings of attraction to other women sometimes interfered with their sexual relationships with their wives, they did not act on these fantasies by having extramarital relationships.
How often do happy couples have intercourse?
2% of these satisfied couples reported that they never had intercourse, and 8% said they had intercourse less than once a month. 47% said that they had intercourse two to four times a month, while 31% reported a frequency of two or three times a week and 12% reported four or five times a week. Only one couple said they had intercourse every day.
Despite the range, the overwhelming majority of these couples reported that their actual frequency of intercourse was close to their ideal. Apparently the crucial issue for marital satisfaction is the ability to work out a pattern acceptable to both partners.
What should you do about sexual problems in a marriage that is otherwise happy?
If you wish to revitalize your sexual relationship, communication is critical. It isn’t the amount or quality of sexual relations that makes or breaks a marriage, but rather the degree of “fit” between partners’ sexual needs and priorities. Such mutuality comes only with communication. Another essential ingredient for change is the commit ingredient for change is the commitment of time and energy.
Try to define for yourself and your spouse what your complaints and pleasures are. Many people are uncomfortable and shy about making specific requests but open talk and experimentation are vital. No one individual automatically knows what pleases another without adequate feedback.
A decision to seek professional help need not be based on the severity of your sexual difficulties. Some couples simply need the structure provided by a treatment program. A weekly appointment with a therapist is an excellent reminder that this is an area of your lives you want to change. In addition, experienced sex therapists and marriage counselors often see approaches to problems that would be difficult for a husband and wife to see on their own.
But unless your partner or you feel particularly unhappy, maybe you should leave things as they are. Indeed, the prime conclusion we drew from this study is that sexual difficulties are normal—and sex, per se, isn’t crucial for a happy marriage.
